From Roommates to Romance: How to Reignite Connection in Your Long-Term Relationship.

TLDR  

• The ‘roommate phase’ happens when couples feel more like housemates than romantic partners. Functional but emotionally disconnected.

• Why does it happen? Life admin takes over, conversations become purely practical, physical affection decreases, resentment builds, and quality time gets deprioritised.

• The good news? It’s reversible. Small, intentional changes can rebuild connection.

• How to reconnect: Prioritise quality time (without screens), bring back small acts of affection, try new experiences together, and communicate appreciation—not just frustrations.

• When to seek support? If the distance feels too big to bridge alone, couples therapy can provide evidence-based strategies to strengthen your relationship.

Small shifts make a big difference. Start with one today. 

It’s a scenario that plays out in so many long-term relationships: you still love each other, you still get along, but something feels different. The excitement has faded, and your connection feels more functional than romantic. Conversations revolve around bills, childcare, or what’s for dinner. Physical affection becomes rare, and quality time together is often replaced by screens or sheer exhaustion.

This is often called the ‘roommate phase’; a stage where couples feel more like housemates navigating life rather than two people deeply connected through love and intimacy. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples go through it, but the good news is that it’s not a sign your relationship is doomed. With a little awareness and effort, you can shift from just co-existing to feeling close again.

Why Do Couples Drift Into the Roommate Phase?

Falling into this phase doesn’t happen overnight. It’s often a slow, subtle shift that creeps in over months or even years. Life gets busy, routines take over, and without realising it, emotional and physical connection gets pushed down the list of priorities.

Here’s why:

1. Life Admin Takes Over

In the early days of a relationship, time together feels effortless. You go out of your way to connect; long phone calls, late-night conversations, spontaneous trips. Fast forward a few years, and life gets more complicated. Work, childcare, financial pressures, housework, and endless to-do lists demand time and energy. The relationship no longer feels like the centre of your world. Instead it becomes something you assume will take care of itself while you deal with everything else (Stanley & Markman, 1992).

2. Conversations Become Functional

At the start of a relationship, you’re curious about each other. You talk for hours about dreams, ideas, and experiences. But over time, conversations become purely practical: “What time is that play date?” “Did you pay the council tax?” “Can you get some milk on the way home?”

When all communication is about logistics, emotional connection can take a hit. Research shows that intimacy is built through self-disclosure and responsive listening, which tends to decrease in long-term relationships if not actively maintained (Reis & Shaver, 1988). If you’re only discussing what needs to get done rather than how you’re feeling or what’s on your mind, the relationship can start to feel more like a business arrangement.

3. Physical Affection Fades

Life stress, exhaustion, and routine can all contribute to a slow decline in physical intimacy. And this isn’t just about sex. Simple gestures like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, and casual touch often fade as well. Physical affection plays a crucial role in maintaining closeness, and when it starts to disappear, the relationship can feel less romantic and more platonic.

 Research has shown that even small acts of physical affection, such as hugging and hand-holding, significantly contribute to relationship satisfaction (Gulledge, Gulledge, & Stahmann, 2003). For many couples, this decline isn’t intentional, it’s just an unintended side effect of busy lives. But the less it happens, the harder it becomes to bring it back.

4. Unspoken Resentments Build

It’s natural to get frustrated by small things in a relationship, like who does the washing up, who wakes up with the kids, or who remembers family birthdays. When these small annoyances aren’t talked about, they can build into unspoken resentment. 

Resentment often leads to emotional withdrawal. Instead of openly discussing frustrations, partners may avoid each other or stop making an effort. Over time, this creates more distance and reinforces the ‘roommate phase’ (Halford & Snyder, 2012).

5. There’s No Time for Just the Two of You

Between work, children, and other responsibilities, finding time for each other can feel impossible. Even when you are physically together, you might be on your phones, watching TV, or sitting in separate rooms. 

Couples who don’t prioritise quality time - whether that’s date nights, shared activities, or meaningful conversations - gradually drift apart. Studies have shown that couples who engage in meaningful time together report higher relationship satisfaction (Sandberg, Harper, Hill, & Butler, 2013). It’s not that the love isn’t there, but the chances to nurture it become fewer and fewer.

6. The Relationship Feels Predictable

Routine is great for stability, but too much of it can make a relationship feel stagnant. When everything becomes predictable - same conversations, same date nights, same patterns - it can dull the sense of excitement and connection. Novelty and shared experiences are key to keeping things fresh, and research suggests that couples who participate in new and exciting activities together report higher relationship quality (Aron et al., 2000). Unfortunately, these things are all too easily pushed aside when life gets busier.  

How to Move From Roommates to Romance

The good news is that you don’t have to overhaul your entire relationship in order to start changing the dynamic. Small, intentional shifts can make a big difference.

1. Acknowledge It – Without Blame

First things first: talk about it. Not as an accusation, but as a shared experience. “I feel like we’ve been a bit disconnected lately, do you feel the same?” is a much better conversation starter than “You never make an effort anymore.” This is something you’re in together, so frame it that way.

2. Be Curious About Each Other Again

When you first met, you asked questions, listened intently, and wanted to know everything about each other. Over time, we assume we already know our partner. But people grow and change, and there’s always something new to learn. Try bringing back curiosity; ask thoughtful questions, listen properly, and take an interest in their world again (Levine & Heller, 2010).

3. Prioritise Quality Time (Without Screens)

It doesn’t have to some grand gesture or expensive weekend away, but it does need to be intentional. A walk together, a coffee in the morning, or setting aside an evening for just the two of you, without distractions, helps rebuild connection (Neff & Karney, 2005). If you’re constantly scrolling while you’re ‘spending time together,’ you’re not really present.

4. Bring Back Small Acts of Affection

Physical closeness doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. Holding hands, a long hug, a kiss that lasts a few extra seconds; these small moments of touch build connection over time. The Gottman Institute suggests a daily six-second kiss - long enough to feel meaningful but short enough to actually happen in a busy day (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

5. Do Something New Together

Routine is great for stability but terrible for excitement. Trying something new together – perhaps a new restaurant, a weekend away, or even just a different route for your evening walk will help to bring novelty back into your relationship. Research shows this helps reignite attraction (Aron et al., 2000).

6. Express What You Need (And What You Appreciate)

It’s easy to focus on what’s missing, but how often do you tell your partner what actually makes you feel loved? Instead of assuming they know, be explicit: “I feel really connected when we spend time chatting in the evenings,” or “I love it when you text me during the day just to check in” (Neff & Karney, 2005).

7. Arrange a Relationships Check-in

Once a month, or more regularly if you want, take a few minutes to ask each other:

“What’s been working well in our relationship lately?”

“What’s something we could do better?”

“How can we make sure we’re staying connected?” 

It’s a simple habit, but it keeps you both aware of how your relationship is doing before distance grows.

When to Seek Support

If things feel strained and it’s hard to break out of the cycle, couples therapy can help. A structured approach, like the Gottman Method, gives you tools to communicate better, resolve underlying tensions, and rebuild emotional and physical intimacy (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Therapy isn’t just for relationships on the brink, it’s a proactive way to invest in your connection before real problems take hold.

It’s easy for long-term relationships to slip into autopilot, but connection isn’t lost. The ‘roommate phase’ doesn’t mean your relationship is over. It’s simply a sign that life has taken over and your connection needs some care. By making small changes, being intentional, and prioritising each other again, you can shift back to feeling like loving partners, not just people sharing a home.

If this post resonated with you and you’d like to explore ways to strengthen your relationship, I offer evidence-based couples therapy designed to help you reconnect. Whether you’re looking for small shifts or deeper support, I’d love to help.

Get in touch for a chat. 

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. 

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the love lab.W.W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Gulledge, A. K., Gulledge, M. H., & Stahmann, R. F. (2003). Romantic physical affection types and relationship satisfaction. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(4), 233–242.

Halford, W. K., & Snyder, D. K. (2012). Common themes in couples therapy: A review of what works. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 187–204.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2005). To know you is to love you: The implications of global adoration and specific accuracy for marital relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(3), 480–497. 

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions (pp. 367–389). John Wiley & Sons.

Sandberg, J. G., Harper, J. M., Hill, E. J., & Butler, M. H. (2013). The relationship between meaningful time together and marital satisfaction over time. Family Process, 52(2), 244–256.

Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595–608.